A Collection of Failed Attempts to Breathe

by Introvert

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about

CHG 144
A Collection of Failed Attempts to Breathe is an amalgam of the weakest moments of your life and the strength that allowed you to make it through them.

Track One: Desolation’s Plough
Track Two: Gelston After Dark
Track Three: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy
Track Four/Beat: Wounds that Time Can’t Heal
Track Five: 10.21.13
Track Six: The Fountain of Youth (Featuring Dustin Mitchell of Filth and Devin MacGillivray of Yuth Forever)
Track Seven: Reperfusion Injury
Track Eight: The Shadow Of Conscience
Track Nine: Bottomed Out (Featuring Cody Blencowe Of Desolate)
Track Ten: When They Buried You, They Buried My Dreams
Track Eleven: Sad Max: Return to the Bummerdome
Track Twelve: Tension Pneumothorax (Featuring Eli Martinez of Rooks)
Track Thirteen: Bright Eyes and Dark Days

credits

released December 22, 2017

Artwork, Production: Eric Fletcher
Photography: Calli Perry
Special Thanks to Cody Blencowe, Devin MacGillivray, Eli Martinez, Dustin Mitchell and Sam Bottner for their contributions.

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all rights reserved

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Track Name: Desolation's Plough
Your favorite Introvert is back again
With a million fucking problems I wish would end. 
Yeah, again and again...

No hope,
No love.
Just a line box and soil above. 
Track Name: Gelston After Dark
I am a never-ending nuisance
A plague on my peers:
I am a monument to failure,
The embodiment of fear
Can you hear me? Can you hear me at all?
I know I let you down, I forced you to fall. 


Self-inflicted:
A victim
of my own superstition
counting tiles on the ceiling
just to mitigate the feeling
That everything’s going wrong
And this is just the beginning

All I’ve ever done
is let down the ones I love
Steal from my friends
just to try and have enough
I’m a fucking joke
And it’s starting to show
Still dug myself too deep
in what was a shallow hole

Can you even remember my name?
Do you even remember anything?
I remember the light of your eyes
I remember when you were mine.

I live my life in the ground
but I’m never alone,
Anxiety’s fingers
still stuck in my bones 
I’ve made soil my home,
Eyes shut, they’ve been sewn
No place to go,
No place to roam

Never home
and always alone
No place to go
No place to call home

I built my whole life
Around being alone
Turns out I was wrong
Your ghost lives in my bones
The first year I thought thats how it’s supposed to be 
The second year I got desperate and begged you to leave
The third and the fourth your spirit still wouldn't set me free
It's been five fucking years and your ghost still guides me.
Five fucking years, and you’re still trapped inside me.
Five fucking years, and your ghost still guides me.

Sentimentality keeps getting the best of me. 
Let me be free.
Track Name: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy
The time has come for me to finally grow
The more I try to though,
My feet stay stuck to the road
I'm an addict,
Binging on habits and routine
Hooked on obsessing over who I used to be

Addicted to the things I felt
addicted to the way i Fell
Addicted to always being alone
Alone is still all that I know

I don't know how to say sorry
For the things that I've done
For the people I've hurt 
To the people I love

I don’t know when to admit that I fucked it all up
Or when to admit that enough is enough.

I am a coward
And it’s starting to show
I’m a self-centered mess
With nowhere to go
I’m pathetic,
Begging for pity
Pleading for a chance
to mean something to somebody

I waste nights spent awake
and the days are the same
My life's an endless cycle
Of habits and decay 
I miss the days we were together
and I wasn’t so bitter
And you weren’t so distracted 
By how I could be better
It was you and me,
And the words that we'd sing
I was your world
And You were my everything;
The end to my story,
My one and my only.

Fuck it
I don’t mean a thing to you
and thats how its always been
Nothing
is what I am in the end
And that’s how it’s gonna be
again and again

Do you remember,
When you used to love me?
I do,
we used to be happy.
Where did it go? Why did it end?
Can we move on? Can we begin again?
Track Name: Wounds That Time Can't Heal
I just want to be loved again
I just want to feel young again.

The first thing thats in my head when I wake;
Another day alive, one more mistake to make
I think back to the days I was happy;
The days when I was younger, and i wasn’t just acting
I think back to me and you;
Us against the world, what couldn’t we do?
We had it all, we took a stand
We were the young and the restless, the world in our hands
We were in love,
At least that’s what I thought

I hope he’s better than me,
Than i could ever be
I’ll say I hope that you’re happy through gritted teeth
But i don’t.
I hope he’s just like me;
A broken mess of a man, pathetic and weak

I hope you break him pieces like you shattered us
I hope you step on his soul and turn his heart to dust
I hope you wind up just like me
So together, forever, we can be lonely
Track Name: 10.21.13
How do you live with what you did?
It took everything I had not to give in
How can you sleep at night?
Push came to shove and you gave up without a fight


I’m still stuck in the back of this hearse;
It took three years but now I see you’re a curse.
dead or with you, I don’t know which is worse.
We’re just two people who couldn’t make it work.


Get fucked


For better or worse,
we’re just two people
who couldn’t make it work.

In sickness and health,
you left me in this hell.
For richer or poorer,
I wish I never met her.

Do you know how it feels to feel unloved?
Do you know what it’s like to never be enough?
This is your reminder:
I’m right where you left me,
Still dying for a chance to fucking be happy

But you don't love me
You don't love anything
Except the things that you need
From the ones you deceived 
I still don't know
Who you really are
Behind the lies and everything
You used to keep me in the dark

No,
You don’t know how to love
You’re just a selfish bitch
who only knows how to fuck 

You had me broken,
in the palm of your hand
A worthless excuse,
a shell of a man
I swore I’d do my best just to make you proud
I swore I’d hold you up when you were crumbling down
I swore to God I’d never say your name in a song,
So here’s the fucking beat, you can sing along
Track Name: The Fountain of Youth (Featuring Dustin Mitchell of Filth and Devin MacGillivray of Yuth Forever)
Slipping,
I’m slipping
Just fading away
Stuck here,
waiting on the world to change.
Slipping,
I’m slipping
Fading away
A worthless coward, the definition of decay.


Sad sack of shit,
back at it again
Desperate for the end,
Sick of living in my own skin
God damnit,
Back at the start again
That’s what I get for letting my demons in.

Alone
all alone
no one to understand
Alone
all alone
Just my pen and this pad.

You found the fountain of youth
When you ripped the heart from my chest
Filled up my lungs with blood
Maybe I'll end up dead

So I can finally leave everyone I let down behind
So I can finally say goodbye and cut my Fucking ties. 

I've abstained from substance
My whole fucking life
But I can't stop thinking about you
For one Fucking night

This rotten world won't let free from its teeth
So move your head to the beat
Or kick the chair from your feet, yeah
when you said 
“the two of us here, together”
The only ones here with me
are the youth, forever.
Track Name: Reperfusion Injury
Something’s not right Here;
and it’s never been
The demons I let inside my head
three years ago are starting to win
This is abjection at its finest
The hand i’ve been dealt I must fold
I lay my conscience to sleep
Down in this six foot hole 

Alone and unloved;
I’ll never be enough
Betrayed by my past
And all the things that I’ve done.
It’s not enough
It’ll never be enough
Push comes to shove,
I should just give it up.


I can’t even remind myself
of a time you weren’t
by my side
Time moves on, people change
and you’re no longer mine
How do you break away
From the ones you love?
Why would I still be myself,
When no one gives a fuck?

No, no one gives a fuck
Push comes to shove,
It’s Time to give it up.
I’m giving up, giving up. 

A hopeless romantic,
Turning hobbies into habits
Thriving on routine
Like a motherfucking addict
Remember me, remember me
When I’m buried six feet deep
And everything I became
Is what I swore I’d never be.

I can’t even imagine
Can you tell me what it’s like
To feel/like/you/belong
I can’t even begin to,
I don’t even know how 
To move/on/from/you

Still self-helpless
Still a self-centered mess
Still alone in the end.
Still alone in the end. 
Track Name: The Shadow of Conscience
Hello there,
It’s me again
The shadow of your conscience
The ghost of all you hold dear
Hello there,
I know it’s been years
But I’m finally back
To rekindle all your fears
Did you miss me?
God knows I missed you
Did you miss me?
Or was it too good to be true?
Did you miss me?
Did you miss me?

I wonder if I still cross your mind
Is it once in a while or is it all the time?
Lord knows you still live in mine.
Lord knows you still live in mine.

I tore out my heart just to pull you apart
no more you and me, back to the start
I tried to move on, lately it seems
Every fiber of me has you in between.

I don't know how to explain
The anxiety I'm feeling
I'm ways that don't involve lines like"hanging from the ceiling."
I don’t know if I’ll love again
I don’t even know where to begin
I don't know how to not write about the end
Or find ways not to obsess over my dead friends
I dunno how to not obsess over dead ends; just like the one I've been left in
Neurotic, psychotic, I'm just a Fuckin mess then

Just a fucking mess, then—
who deserves to die just to learn a fucking lesson
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember all the times
You left me behind
Left alone in the dirt
Just to wonder why
I couldn’t be what you wanted
Or the man that you needed
I’m just a helpless bastard
Life left defeated
Track Name: Bottomed Out (Featuring Cody Blencowe of Desolate)
Falling, falling towards the floor
I’ve held my tongue for so long,
but I can’t do it anymore.
Do you have any idea what the fuck you put me through?
Do you have any clue what the fuck I’m gonna do to you?
Legs broken, cracked at the knees
Jaw busted so I can’t even fucking breathe;

Why couldn’t you just let me be?

I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to cut you away
I’ll spend every hour forgetting your face
I’ll spend every second forgetting your name.

Theres nothing left of me,
Nothing left to say
Not that it ever really mattered anyways, 

Misery,
My life collapsing all around me
A sad excuse for a man
Someone I’ll never be
I’ve spent my entire life 
stuck on pretend
Wasting hour after hour 
wishing it would end

Stuck existing as someone that I’m not
begging to become one with the rot.
I know we’re over—don’t tell me we’re not.
I know to you I’m not worth a second thought.
Head split, mind bursting at the seams
Hanging on to everything that makes me me
I don’t know what to believe
I don’t know what to believe.

No,
This time I thought it’d be different.
I thought I’d be better
I thought I could beat this.
But I’m still stuck here,
Alone at the bottom.
So many problems,
I can’t fucking solve them.

Lungs flooded with blood.
and My head’s a mess;
I still think you were the one, I confess.
The one who got away
The one would wouldn’t stay
The one who never fucking loved me in the first place.
Track Name: When They Buried You, They Buried My Dreams
Do you remember?

Do you remember,
The day the sickness came?
You could no longer speak my name
It was the saddest thing,
I swear to God, a fucking shame

And as I lay down
Alone in this empty bed
On the frigid pillow
Where you used to rest your tired head
Where we once were happy
But now I’m only filled with dread


I wish to God that the cancer
Killed me instead
It's too hard to go on living 
I know I'd be better dead

Do you remember?
I’d be better dead.

Do you remember?
The day you passed away,
I’d never let your memory
just fade to grey
But life is long, and God it’s cruel
I never thought I’d have to live it without you

It’s part of living 
that everyone you love is bound to leave
But whether it’s by choice 
or if they’re taken that you can’t ever see
Not until it’s too late;
Not until you’ve sealed your fate
Not until the hands are dealt and you’re stuck with the one you have to play


I’m so sick and tired of always feeling hated
I’m over living life wishing to be sedated
I spent years writing you songs, they’ve all gone to waste, and
I tried 
to live my life for you, 
but now that you’ve left 
what the fuck can I do?

Do you remember when I swore I could save her?
“You can’t. You can’t”
I tried and I tried, I tried and I tried. 
Track Name: Sad Max: Return to the Bummerdome
Just
Another day
Waking up
Wishing I was far away

But I’m still stuck here,
And nothing’s changing
My head’s a wreck, 
And my mind’s fucking racing.

I can’t believe I built myself up this high;
The star of the show, the gleam in your eye
I don’t deserve all this attention
I don’t deserve all their affection
“We all need you,”
That’s all they say
I’m gonna let them down,
I might as well hang.

Cause in the end,
We all just rot.
No sense in trying to be something that I’m not.

I'm sorry I was never there for you
For all the sleepless nights I put you through
I'm sorry for the emotional abuse
For being worthless; a soul without a use. 
I'm sorry I could never be what you wanted 
For being myself, forcing you into the arms of someone else
I hope youre warmer now, with him at your side
As I grow colder ‘cause your flame inside me has died

Dead but still dreaming
Staring at the ceiling
wasting countless nights
to obliterate this feeling
In the end, I guess this is what you wanted
We're the best Fucking thing that never happened. 

The weight of the world 
Has crushed both my shoulders
Now I'm bleeding out
While you're in love with another
Set of young, diamond eyes
Shining twice as bright as mine
Why couldn't I be the one to
Waste all your time?
Track Name: Tension Pneumothorax (Featuring Eli Martinez of Rooks/Outlaw)
Descending down this parallel 
With everything I recollect
Retract my wings, cut off what's left of them 
I parade this lie so well
Formless sights, a stasis shifts into my eyes
Painless now, devoid of life 
Carving names into this cage 
I've been calling out for days 
Try to write yours too 
But my composition breaks

I guess this means I’m going home all alone again
Thats what I get for ever letting you under my skin
just me and my sins so we can paint the wall red
just me and my conscious saying I’m better off dead



Yeah, yeah keep on falling forever
The air’s cold like it’s always December
Here
The goddamn Midwest
I fucking miss it like a hole in my chest, ah. 
Lemme bleed out, spell your name with my blood
Took my heart, dragged it through the mud
But that’s fine, it still belongs to you
Always did, it’ll always be true 


Well you don’t love me
You never did
You never will
And I can’t deal with it


I'll keep screaming these words
Till my lungs collapse
And Air pours out the backs
A tension pneumothorax 

Nothing left to say
No air to breathe
Just one last gasp
It could’ve been you and me. 


This is a collection
Of my failed attempts to make you love me
My failed attempts to breathe.
Track Name: Bright Eyes and Dark Days
It’s been four years since ten-twenty-one-thirteen
I should be over this by now, back to being me
But I’m still obsessed;
Still a nervous wreck
Still singing the same songs, getting short of breath

So fucking sick of always being nervous;
The ones I love left me behind, and I fucking deserve it
So keep saying you need me, I know it’s s lie
the only thing that I’m good for is wasting your time

I had twelve fucking songs to prove I’m not a wreck
That I’m not a fucking monster,
Obsessed with death
But I broke all my bones
Carved your name across my chest
Put a bullet through my head
So i can finally get some rest

The harder i look, I see it’s not just you;
It’s not just the sleepless nights you put me through
It’s every single fucking person I swore I’d never let down
It’s the way they laugh and they chant
While I’m face down on the ground
Swallowing dirt.
Born to hurt
Born choke on the “nothing” I’m worth. 

This is the end of the line for me
The chair is free from my feet
And i can’t fucking breathe
Grasping at the rope
can I stop it in time?
My whole fucking life flashes before my eyes,
I scream for help; no one’s listening
Just the same fucking phone, its always ringing


Still ringing. 
Still ringing. 

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